The author of this novel, a premature ejaculator, is also prone to giving plot twists away too soon; for instance, the butler did it in this one.

Tyler gets me a job as an administrative assistant at a prestigious advertising firm, and after that I wrote a short letter to thank him.

The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger thought: fuck this, prick is just too quick for me.

"I kill Dumbledore on page 531," said Snape, sharpening his wizard-killing stick.

"Go Away, Tyler!" proclaimed the mildly schizophrenic man, and Tyler (being a figment of this unnamed man's overly stressed brain) did, thus averting a terrorist attack on a major city.

I read this as this and just found it infinitely funnier in the past tense for some reason.

"This shit just got real!" said General George Washington.

~ From my soon to be released novel on the American Revolution.

Testing, testing, one, two... CRASH

In the beginning God said "Let there be light."
And there was light.
And God said, "No, Bud Light!"

THIS STORY BEGINS on a Beautiful sunny day in Daytona Beach Florida With a man by the name of David Braymer. A forty-five-year old Single man that works at the local High school as a science teacher and astrology in the 12-grade level.

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic vermin. He then embraced his new appearance, ate his family and lived in the woods to be nothing more than a humble beast that villagers would no doubt make a legendary monster out of.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a little angry man called Mohammad.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
"Who could that be at this hour?" wondered Mr. Crenshaw.
Because he was an eccentric recluse who no one ever visited. And also, it was 2 o'clock in the morning.

Dispatch One:
I arrived in America today to greet my host family and begin a mission of great importance. I almost messed up and did this whole thing backwards, speaking to them in proper English whilst journaling in broken English. Good thing I caught that before it was too late! Surely great success will await me now!

"Are these supposed to be lines from a Chuck Palahniuk book?" asked the student.
"I don't know. You tell me. Are these lines from a Chuck Palahniuk book?" demanded the strict teacher who also had webbed toes.

O HAI, REEDR, IM A CAT LOL

Captain Kirk, shirtless and glistening with perspiration, pulled his science officer closer and whispered into his supple pointy ear, "Take me."

After a half hour of spanking his child, the man was eager to spank his monkey.

If anyone was ever gonna beat that yellow Jap faggot in the hot dog eating contest, it was gonna be Milton Stowt. For he was indeed a fat bastard with a gargantuan appetite.

"Don't you EVER call me a liar again," Bill Clinton said, punching his wife in the face.

Mr. Bojangles wasn't like the other horses at the farm. For one, he could talk. But he only spoke in a thick German accent. And for second, he was a cow.

"Sometimes shit hits the fan. When it isn't, people write about how it hit the fan."

I actually like this one...

The elevator doors opened and Jenkins took a step inside. His first thoughts as his finger lingered in front of the button for the lobby was, "Who farted in here?"

Alfred Stone sat with his subordinates at the head of a circular table, wondering how things had gotten so fucked up.

"____________________________________________", she said to me.
"_______________________________________________," she continued, and further, "____________________________________. ______________________, ______________________!"
I can't believe she doesn't remember I'm deaf.

Margaret was a complicated woman. Sure, she had unprotected sex with any number of men, but she never once cheated on her taxes.

There are rock stars and then there are Rock Stars. And Gilbert Rasmussen was neither of them.

THERE WAS A GUN IN THE STRANGER'S HAND!!!!!

The road to the zoo was hard to navigate. But I was dying and they had the anti-venom to save me. Still though, I had to stop off at my house first and delete all the porn on my computer, just in case i didn't make it in time.

Herbert was one of those Zionist Jews that would always suppress the Negro.

The airplane landed in a dusty cornfield. Superman sat back in the captain's chair with a sigh of relief. The he got off the plane and punched Hitler right in the head, instantly killing him. Superman then took over the Nazi party and led them to victory in WWII.

"Look out!" screamed Henry, eyes bulging in terror. But it was too late. The comically over-sized vault landed right on top of the baby carriage with a stomach-wrenching Thunk! Everyone rushed to the scene. Mostly because the fall dislodged the safe's door and large bundles of money rolled out into the street.

It's hard being the new kid in high school. It's even harder when you are a vampire. ZOMG!

Is no one else doing these anymore?

As he clutched the empty condom wrapper, he muttered, "That bitch is gunna get it."

When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, nobody came because of his senile dementia and he lived in a garbage house with sixty cats.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary I took some Nyquil and went to bed.

Hahahahahahaha.

Call me Poodlefuck.

ithinkiloveyou.

Debbie liked to suck cock so much she kept one in her freezer in case of emergencies.

"Over the lips and past the gums, look out Mordor here I comes!" said Frodo, walking into Mordor like it was nothing (since there was a well-maintained sidewalk that went right in).

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else really is none of your business.

You should write this novel. I'd read it.

it's just another King Arthur story.

Here's a real one that I found out recently from Dinosaur Comics-

"Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Four shots ripped into my groin and I was off on the greatest adventure of my life!"

from Max Shulman's 'Sleep Till Noon'.

It was the balmy summer day Abraham Lincoln and Ulysses S. Grant gently made love to one another under the shade of a blossoming pear tree that Robert E Lee attacked with his army of magical fighting skeletons.

I been...fascinated? I dunno if that's the word to use to describe it, but, yeah, i've been just looking at all this Rule #34 stuff the past couple days. It's just jaw-dropping some of the stuff out there.

"I been...fascinated? I dunno if that's the word to use to describe it, but, yeah, I've been just looking at all this Rule #34 stuff the past couple days. It's just jaw-dropping some of the stuff out there."

Oliver was short, fat, stupid, and completely talentless. He had no problems whatsoever, except that he was out of milk and would venture a trip to the store to remedy that situation. He lived alone because people thought him boring-- it was not often that he ran out of anything.